One of the biggest lessons I learned from long distance running is learning to pay attention to your body when your ego wants to take over. Learning to say when enough is enough. When to stop when something can cause more damage than good. A few months back, I blogged/Vlogged about starting to work with a coach towards the goal of competing in the bikini or figure division for the first time. I worked with this coach for 4 months and realized that a lot was wrong with the program, so I called it quits. It lead me to binge. My carbs were far lower than they should have been. I was forced to stop my passion of running. I was exhausted, frustrated, negative and hating my workouts. I now realize I should have researched more into coaches before jumping into working with one that was well known on social media.
Through all this I am trying to recover from those few months as I felt it was a large strain on my mental being. I am trying to get back to loving myself physically and mentally for what I am NOW, rather than what I want to be. Since stopping this crazy program, I went to IIFYM (If it fits your macros) and added in a ‘normal’ amount of carbs. With no surprise, I gained all the weight I had lost during those 4 months…plus some. I would love to say that I am okay with that, but I am only human. It does suck and I am working towards a happy, balanced lifestyle yet again. Also, I refuse to let myself get grossly obsessed with the little things like I was for those few months (I am talking I would get mad at myself if I didn’t drink my full 2 gallons of water…RIDICULOUS right?). I also refuse to get obsessed with the constant looking for results day in day out. It is just unrealistic!
So my goal to compete in bikini or figure? I have decided to scrap it. Personally, I don’t feel the mental strain it can put on a person is totally worth it. I feel I would be competing for all the wrong reasons and I may lose a large part of me in the process. I hated the emotional and mental instability I experienced during those 4 months. Extreme highs to extreme lows in MINUTES. Snappiness towards those who love and support me. I was losing passion for what I once was so passionate about, I felt like a monster! All this stress and build up just to go on stage with a horrible spray tan, heels and a bikini to be judged and placed by a panel? So not worth it in my opinion.
I am not saying that competitors all experience these mood swings or negative pressures I felt during this time. I just know with my past and the mental things I still deal with on a regular basis, competing would only be destructive for my well being. So I have decided to pull the plug and get back to me. Get back to running and the things I am truly passionate about.
Thank you all for your constant support! Love you all so much!